Alec Baldwin Says 'I'm Happier When I'm Asleep' After Fatal 'Rust' Shooting

Actor Alec Baldwin is still trying to process the death of "Rust" cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of the Western film.

The "30 Rock" actor had been holding a gun when it went off, fatally striking the cinematographer and hospitalizing director Joel Souza. Although he was able to make a complete recovery and finish the film with Baldwin's involvement, the actor is still struggling to come to terms with the tragedy.

The “Supercell” actor is reflecting on the tragedy in his new TLC reality series, “The Baldwins,” which is set to premiere on Sunday, February 23. In a clip released ahead of the premiere, he and his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, discuss the impacts that the fatal shooting had on his mental health.

“This has been just surreal,” Alec told his wife in comments transcribed by Peoplemagazine. “I mean, I can't even believe that we're going through this, and I always feel more in pain about you than me, because I think to myself, well, you know, I'm going to try to my best to just get through it, and I think what it's done to you and how much it's hurt you and everything.”

“This past year was just terrible. There were times I'd lay in bed. I'd go, ‘Wow, my kids. I can't get up.’ That's not like me. I'm not like that at all, not in any way am I like that. Never,” he added in a confessional.

During the premiere, the former yoga instructor revealed that her husband struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

“Everyone who is close to Alec has seen his mental health decline,” she explained. “He was diagnosed with PTSD, and he says in his darkest moments, ‘If an accident had to have happened this day, why am I still here? Why couldn't it have been me?’”

At one point in the episode, Alec recalled how he tried to respond to a friend asking how he was doing but didn’t know how. “You wake up in the morning and you're like, ‘Oh god, why did I wake up?’” Hilaria said.

Alec replied, “I said, ‘I'm happier when I'm asleep than when I'm awake.’” He went on to say that he keeps going for his seven children: Ilaria Catalina Irena, 2, María Lucía Victoria, 3, Eduardo "Edu" Pao Lucas, 4, Romeo Alejandro David, 6, Leonardo Ángel Charles, 8, Rafael Thomas, 9, and Carmen Gabriela, 11.

“I look at the kids, and I see how hard we're trying to create happy for them, even if we're masking stuff for ourselves,” Hilaria says during the premiere. “I know that what we're going through is maybe unique, but every family goes through hard times, and that's something that we can feel a community of support, knowing that the best that we can do is do our best and try to make our kids happy, and so that's what we're doing.”

“Honestly, from the bottom of my soul, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you and these kids going through this. I never would have made it with this. Sometimes I'd say, ‘Why did I have seven kids? Why do we have seven kids?’ And I realize, to help carry me and you through this situation,” Alec agreed.

Although her toddlers may not understand what is going on, Hilaria said her older children “have awareness” of the situation, considering that the possibility that the actor would face jail time was splashed across headlines. Unfortunately, she went on to say that the younger children “don’t know life” without the “Rust” drama, as the shooting occurred in October 2021 and the trial wasn’t dismissed with prejudice until July 2024.

“They've had some really unfortunate realizations about things that are going on,” Hilaria explained. “Life will forever be different. Halyna lost her life in the most unthinkable tragedy, a son lost his mom. We are going to feel and carry this pain forever. This will be a part of our family story.”

“The Baldwins” premieres Sunday, February 23 at 10 PM ET on TLC.