Playboy Haunts Kendra Wilkinson: 'Messed My Whole Life Up'

Kendra Wilkinson recently broke her silence on the difficult mental health journey she's been on.

After being hospitalized for a panic attack in September, the former Playboy model and star of "Girls Next Door" is opening up and revealing the struggles she's been going through for years.

Wilkinson, 38, told PEOPLE that she was short of breath, her chest was tight and she was overcome with fear when talking about the panic attack that landed her in the hospital a few months ago.

"I was in a state of panic. I didn't know what was going on in my head and my body or why I was crying," she said. "I had hit rock bottom."

She said she was "dying of depression" and "hitting the end of my life," saying she "went into psychosis" and didn't feel "strong enough to live anymore."

While it's been 20 years since she began starring on the reality show "Girls Next Door" as one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends, it's only now that she's starting to work through the damage that was done during that time frame living in the Playboy mansion.

"It's not easy to look back at my 20s. I've had to face my demons," she said. "Playboy really messed my whole life up."

After her hospitalization, Wilkinson began outpatient therapy where she's working on healing from the trauma of living in the mansion, as well as her divorce from ex-husband Hank Baskett.

"It was the lowest place I've ever been in my life. I felt like I had no future," she told PEOPLE. "I couldn't see in front of my depression. I was giving up and I couldn't find the light. I had no hope."

With a limited support system, Wilkinson tried to move on from the past and be a present mom to her two children, Hank IV, 14, and Alijah Mary, 9. Estranged from family and many close friends, Wilkinson felt she couldn't trust anyone after her divorce.

The reality star began to build a new, successful career in real estate at Douglas Elliman, and had another reality show, "Kendra Sells Hollywood," but the series wasn't renewed after two seasons.

"It was so scary for me to go through it. I wasn't focusing on myself or my mental health," she said. "Here I was a single mom and I've been alone for years now. But it's also easy to feel like the world is caving in on you. I was trying to fight it on my own. I was trying to cure it on my own and you can't do that."

She explained that she was "isolating, hiding, blaming myself, blaming the world" which led her to feeling like she was not "strong enough to survive."

Wilkinson revealed that she wouldn't go out of her way to end her life, but she thought, "God, take me. God, take me."

"To accept medication was the hardest thing to do," she explained. "It meant I had to accept that I have some mental illness, and I didn't want to have to do that."

For Wilkinson, the rough days began as a teen. She said she was on drugs at the age of 15 and had other issues. At 18, she moved into the Playboy mansion and began her high-profile career. Beginning in 2005, "Girls Next Door" documented her relationship with Hefner alongside former playmates Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt.

"I really got into deep regret [afterward]. I struggled with depression before and at the mansion," she said. "I drank a lot. I was there for the partying, okay, let's just be real. I was not there for Hugh Hefner to be my boyfriend."

Being in the mansion and the experiences she had there began her road to self-sabotage and poor self-esteem. She now questions why she did the things she did back then and why she ended up in that position in the first place. A lot of "whys" have come from that experience, and Wilkinson is now trying to dig deep to find the answers to them. In that process, she's pushing herself to leave it behind and heal from it.

A big focus for the mom of two is raising her children and working on her career.

"I see loopholes in my life that I'm trying to correct now so my daughter doesn't have to experience what I did at a young age. I don't want my daughter sexualized like I was," she said. "As a mom, I look back at what happened to where I felt like I had to date an older man at the age of 18. What brought me to that point? These are the things I'm trying to correct in my parenting for my daughter."

Kendra Wilkinson shared her story on Instagram and many fans and followers dropped into the comment to leave her messages of support.

One comment was from Hefner's son, Cooper Hefner.

"You are as strong and as inspiring as they come. Don’t ever let yourself forget that. Keep inspiring people the way that you already have, and in a way that only you can. And also keep in mind you can always pause for a moment to smell the roses if life gets a little too noisy. We love you," he supportively wrote.

Other comments also shared support for what Wilkinson's been through and the fact that she's sharing her story.

"Been there in 2021. It was awful!! XOXO to anyone battling depression/anxiety…. You will make it through!!!" one person wrote. Another added, "I love this! We should all be ok with talking about our mental health. I had to get help too, and I am very happy I did."

Another follower shared, "Thank you, Kendra. I am feeling the same thing. Started anti-depressants a month ago. Not helping yet. I have authorization to get therapy but have been procrastinating. I think I will make an appointment since I read your story. I’m happy for you."