Paulina Porizkova Admits 'I Thought I Would Die' Amid Struggle With Grief

Model Paulina Porizkova is reflecting on her grief on Friday by playing her late husband's favorite song. 

The Central European model was married to “The Cars” singer Ric Ocasek, from 1989 until his death in 2019. The two had been estranged for years and were in the process of divorcing at the time of his sudden death ahead of the COVID-19 pandemic.

On Friday, the 57-year-old actress shared a heartfelt post about grief while listening to his favorite song, The Velvet Underground’s “Pale Blue Eyes.”

On Friday, Paulina took to Instagram to share a video of her sitting in a car while listening to his favorite song.

“This was one of my husband’s favorite songs. He always said it made him think of me,” she wrote. “Two years ago exactly, just when I thought I was getting a handle on my grief and life, I was sideswiped. Covid restrictions were full on and I had nowhere to go, no one to unload on, no one to comfort me.”

“Everyone else was drowning too- it seemed selfish to reach out to friends who were also suffering. I thought I would die,” she continued, adding, “(I write about all of this is my forthcoming book of essays No Filter.).”

“In a last ditch attempt to stay afloat- I posted my grief and my tears here and found all of you,” she went on, referring to her 837 thousand Instagram followers. “Two years. Two years of your support and love kept me floating, until I learned to swim for the shore. I’m almost there. And I’ve never felt stronger.”

“Thank you thank every single one of you who have kept me company and shared your own stories. I don’t know if I could have made it alone,” she continued. “Know you’re not alone either, even if it feels that way sometimes. My book is for YOU.”

“So you know that the worst of times can make you your best,” she concluded. “My blue eyes will never turn brown- but the rest of me sure has changed for the better.”

In another candid Instagram post shared late last month, Paulina Porizkova decided to clarify a few “misconceptions” about her relationship with her late husband. “Ric and I had been separated for two years at the time of his death,” she explained. “We led separate lives while still living together.”

“At the Rock&Roll hall of fame induction, I appeared as his wife for the last time. I knew how much it meant to him, and I wanted to give him a perfect weekend as a parting gift,” she wrote, adding, “He was the only artist who didn’t thank his wife. We had already been separated for a year by then.”

“I thought we were navigating the end of our marriage with all the love we had for one another. It turned out- after his death- that we thought of it very differently,” she went on. “But he’s not here to repudiate or validate, so this is only my take on it.”

“I was deeply deeply hurt by his actions that came to light after his death- besides being flung into unexpected and horrifying grief,” Paulina continued. “All those who loved him are still in the process of assembling ourselves from beneath his shadow, whether it was a cooling gentle protection from the sun, or a cold dark spot.”

“I am not to be pitied as the saintly wife- nor reviled as the woman who walked away,” she added. “We all make mistakes. I’m fortunate to live on and learn and be a better person. My husband wasn’t so lucky.”

“To me, the moral of the story is to love as much and as hard as possible, so when you have to exit this world, you’ll leave your loved ones with thousands of memories of love,” she concluded, reminding her fans, “I write about all this in my book. But it’s not a tell-all. I’m a good keeper of other people's secrets. I’m unfiltered only when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings.”

Her new book, “No Filter,” hits bookshelves next month.